Brooding with mooding
Sigh, so my 12 year old self absolutely loved sad music! I think I started my teenage thundercloud stage super early, because I became moody and broody at a very young age. I blame most of htis on the fact that I moved schools at the age of 10 and really struggled to fit in at my new school. My old school was a government school and I did really well there. I got all of the achievements and was friends with everyone. When I moved to Thomas More, I experienced some severe culture shock. People were suddenly bitchy and mean, and I couldn't get along with anyone. I also found it difficult because I had never been bullied before, and struggled to adapt to the fact that suddenly no one accepted me for who I was. I suppose I probably should have been chucked in therapy because I was quite a bit of trouble in the next year or so... But what can you do? Anyway, Music! Some of my favourites included:
Untitled by Simple Plan
Must have been dreaming by Tweak
The young and hopeless by Good Charlotte
How can any twelve year old NOT relate to this song?!
"I'm young and I'm hopeless
I'm lost and I know this
I'm going nowhere fast, that's what they say
That I'm troublesome, I'm fallen
I'm angry at my father (this is the only not relevant line)
I don't care
I don't care
I DON'T CAAAARE" :D
That song still gives me quite an awesome thrill. It makes me tween angry again.
Should I even get started on Greenday? They pretty much wrote the soundtrack of my youth. My favourite was "Wake me up when September ends"... A very sad song, yes, but it somehow meant a lot to me at the time. It was my favourite song for a good 2 years or so, and I remember when I broke up with my first boyfriend he told me that he was sitting in his room playing it on full volume crying because it reminded him of me. I don't know whether to laugh at that or feel really bad about it...
(Don't worry- I've had my fair share of heartbreak too :P But shame, I feel really sorry for that guy. He was super into me and I was just a selfish little kid who didn't actually know what she wanted. I was only "dating" him because everyone said that I should, and I wanted a boyfriend so I'd look cool. How pathetic is that?)
My 12 year old self was a bit of a tomboy I suppose, I spent a lot of time in trees trying to be hardcore. I once decided that I was going to jump out of a tree because all of my friends had broken their arms that way, and I'd never broken a bone (I should have been happy about that- since then I've broken 2 toes :P). I don't know what made me so desperately want to break a bone, but I suppose I just wanted to look cool or something! Anyway, I jumped out of a tree and hit my head on a branch as I jumped forward, then landing flat on my butt. I felt like a real idiot and never told my parents or my friends. So enjoy this story, dear readers!
I had a very bad influence of a best friend at this age too. She was the kind of girl who stole and who would tell me that I was a loser if I didn't do things that she wanted me to. I once stole a chocolate from the school tuck shop because she pushed me to, I felt so bad that the next day I went back and put the money for the chocolate in the till. I'm just not the kind of person who can sleep with a guilty conscience! Anyway, we didn't stay friends for long. She pushed me to the point where one day I fought back in quite an extreme way, and although I got grounded and severely punished... Well, I'm not sorry. I stood up for myself for pretty much the first time since I'd moved schools, which was a big step for me. It was only really then that I started making real friends, probably because I stopped being such a pushover.
Twelve was a real turnaround year for me. I suppose it was the first year that I really started understanding depression and starting to feel super alone in the world. I feel like it's at this point that I started screwing up my family relationships quite a bit. Along with that, my confidence dropped a lot after moving schools and being pushed around a bit, which seriously was not good preparation for high school which was to come in a years time.
Avril Lavigne was also a big inspiration of mine at the time. I'm a pianist and this was really the time when I started working hard on my playing, and a lot of it was modern music as I felt so intouch with myself when I played. I think my favourite over all was "Nobody's Home" which is such a depressing song! It's no wonder I was such a sad kid, it's like I didn't own a single happy track, either that or I really didn't want to listen to them. At this stage, I pretty much wanted to be Avril Lavigne. I'd wear cargo pants and all I wanted to do was drop out of school and make music. If only someone had told me that I can't sing :P
"Her feelings she hides
Her dreams she can't find
She's losing her mind
She's fallen behind
She can't find her place
Sh'ed losing her faith
She's fallen from grace
She's all over the place...."