Stuck inside yourself
When will you open up?
So, I decided to make a list of things that are really sucking in my life right now, and that I am seriously struggling with. Who knows, maybe this post will be relatable. Maybe in 5 years I'll look back and laugh at how immature and dumb I am. Either way, it's getting published.
1. You kind of have to repress all of your emotions for fear of seeming immature
Ha, this one is probably the worst. I just realized that this was a thing when I came up with the idea of writing this post. I thought, "What if people look at this and think I think like a child?". This is something that I struggle with a lot. Recently I've been under so much pressure, but I just can't exactly express it. I don't know what is childish ignorance and what is pure adult fear. And quite honestly, I'm far too scared to find out from someone else.
2. You could currently be making the kind of mistakes you'll look back on and regret when you're 50
This is something that has scared me since I finally got out of my shitty high school relationship. If you've ever spoken openly and honestly with a "fully grown up", you can hear regrets. And some of them are too close to home. I know I've already got a few that I'm going to kick myself for until the day I die, I'm just working on trying to avoid having any further ones...
Well, twenty twenty surgery for cheap
Dollar signs doll up a picture perfect point of view
3. Your mess ups now influence your entire life
On a very similar note, anything you screw up now influences YOUR ENTIRE LIFE. If I mess up my final year, I don't get into honours. If I don't get into honours, I have no chance of getting into masters. If I don't get into masters, I'll never get my doctorate.
4. You have to put aside your selfish desires for the sake of your future, and of other peoples happiness
This seems to come with being a well-adapted person in general. Feeling usually leads to hurting others. The world seems to have such a conflicting view on this.
"Get rid of poisonous people"
"Be there whenever your friends need to be"
Where do you draw the line between being used and just being a good person? Where do your emotions start and stop being important? When is it okay to feel and when should you shut up?
5. It's suddenly up to you to make decisions with regards to moderation
Every one of my friends has had an absolute wobbly in the last few years. Some go through a fat stage (I had a suuper chubby stage- too much pizza!), some turn into alcoholics (guilty), some resort to other drugs (nicotine, marijuana, cocaine is huge in Stellenbosch, scarily enough).
I could follow you to the beginning
Just to relive the start
Maybe then we'd remember to slow down
At all of our favourite parts
When you're a kid, your parents monitor you. They determine what nights you get ice cream for supper, the fact that you have vegetables on your plate every night... These are all things that seem so simple to a child, tedious even, but when you're on your own you realise just how important all of those things are. Suddenly you have to monitor your intake. No one is going to stop you from taking advantage of (Mystics pizza specials on Sunday night, Aandklas pizza specials on Monday, Sergeant Pepper's pizza specials on Tuesday, Java/ Spar's pizza specials on Wednesdays...) all of the things that you can suddenly have at your own leisure.
In first year, There was a week when I ate a bowl of jelly every night for a whole week.
In second year, Robertson's box wine was on the menu every night.
In third year, pizza specials were a daily occurrence.
This year, moderation is key. Gym 5 times a week, junk food once or twice a week, limited (although not as limited as it should be) wine per day (yes, per day. Don't judge! One thing at a time). Although shaky, my moderating skills are growing.
Next year, hopefully I'll have aced moderation.
You call me up again just to break me like a promise
So casually cruel in the name of being honest
Moderation is a bitch, but it's something we all have to learn. The worst thing is that one only tends to learn this when you sit alone in bed missing your moms cooking. Wishing that she'd tell you that you can't have chocolate tonight. That you have to do a sport that term. That you're too young for beer.
It was rare, I was there
I remember it
All too well
6. You have to learn that in the end, the only person who is really there for you is yourself
I don't think many people come to terms with this one, ever. I aim to make it something that I come to accept in time, as I think I am already starting to do. I find myself more capable of looking after myself. When I'm sad, I can help myself.
When I was a teenager, I went through a lot of crap, I was your typical emo child. Self mutilation, the dark music, all the attention seeking crap that I didn't think was so at the time. I was just expressing myself, going through the rhythms of teenage year. Not eating, becoming anorexic, all because I relied far too much on other people, their consultation and what they thought of me.
Her hair is Harlowe gold
Her lips sweet surprise
Her hands are never cold
Now days, I still get the same urges. I go a day or so starving myself every once in a while, I toy with the romantic idea of a blade. I daydream about what it would be like to have someone to put everything in line for me, to look after me and care for me like a child for the rest of my life.
And then I snap out of it. What the hell is the point in that? I am an individual. I can't expect to be treated as an individual if I cannot learn to look after myself. When I cry, I cry alone. And I cry until I cannot cry anymore. I don't need to be babysat or watched after, because I can care for myself. I know when I'm just being emotional, and when I need to ask for help.
This, I think, is a vital part of growing up. It's knowing that not everything is set in stone. Not even your parents can be there for you all the time, nor can a lover. Everyone either leaves you or you leave them, whether through choice or not (such as death). It's how the world works, and the sooner you learn to look after yourself and love yourself unconditionally, the better. Because you can't expect anyone else to.
7. You can't keep making irresponsible decisions and expecting people to overlook them
Mess up a test in primary school? You're young.
Stumble into the house drunk as a teenager? You're experimenting.
Those things just don't fly anymore. Parents are no longer held accountable for your mistakes. The decisions you make are your own, and no one else can be held responsible.
8. Being a dreamer starts becoming less and less appealing
Haha, this is something I always dreaded. The day I turned my back on my dreams and settled for something that can earn me a living. Yes, that sounds like something I'll regret. And who knows, maybe it is something I'll hate about myself in the future, but at least I'll have food on the table. Sadly, I've come to terms with the fact that at this point in life, I cannot support myself as I'd like to. I cannot get by with selling paintings of sad looking abused women, and I can't make money off of silly crafts that only my friends and family like.
So one day he found her crying
Coiled up on the dirty ground
Her prince finally came to save her
And the rest you can figure out
But it was a trick
And the clock struck twelve
Well make sure to build your heart brick by boring brick
Or the wolf's gonna blow it down
Although depressing, it's also liberating to start thinking of being able to support oneself. Because, going back to the idea of you being the only person who will always be there for yourself, if everything goes up in flames you're going to want to be able to support yourself. I want to try my hardest to be self sufficient, despite my relationship status. Although I feel it's very important to combine resources when sharing your life with someone, I think it's very important to not rely fully on said person. Back up plans are vital, and having a stash of cash hidden away somewhere never hurt anyone (except maybe in a cowboy movie).
9. Things are either one way or another
There's no more compromise. This is a hard one.
You don't get into a course, it's final.
You get rejected for a job, that's that.
There's no calling your mom and asking her to call the principle. You have to learn to deal with all the awful things that life throws at you, ON YOUR OWN.
This is the hardest thing for me. My first instinct is always to complain. Burst into someone's office, shout at them in the hopes that they'll give in.
All these thoughts locked inside
Now you're the first to know
When darkness turns to light
It ends tonight,
It ends tonight.
Just a little insight won't make this right
It's too late to fight
It ends tonight
Unfortunately this is where dignity and reputation comes into play. There's just some things that you have to accept, no one cares about your little problems.
I used to firmly believe that everything happens for a reason, and that fate is always on your side. I don't think I believe this anymore. Things go wrong for you, and the world keeps turning. Nothing is going to go your way if you aren't working your ass off. And even if you are, sometimes life just sucks. Sometimes things just aren't going to happen, and you just have to deal with it. Sometimes there's nothing you can do about it.
So, there's my delightfully cheerful view on being an "in between grown up". If you have any comments, don't be shy!
I look forward to reading back on this in a few years, just to see how my feelings have changed. Who knows, maybe I'll have grown up!
Songs mentioned in this post
Flyleaf: Tiny Heart
Paramore: All I wanted was you
Taylor Swift: All too well
Kim Carnes: Bette Davis Eyes
Paramore: Brick by Boring Brick
All American Rejects: It Ends Tonight